Reflections

I’ve done a lot of nice things for myself. Let’s be honest. Luxury cars in my garage, designer labels in my closet, a nice home, jewelry, I don’t shy from treating myself. But this trip is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. New Zealand tested me. And in the end, it helped me prove my own strength and value to myself. I’ll be perfectly honest, I was scared of this trip when it came down to the wire. The night before I even laid in bed and thought about how easy it would be to just not go, just not get on the plane, eat the cost of the AirBnB’s it was too late to cancel and just stay home. When I got to the airport, I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing?” I had nothing planned to fill my days and had done some, but honestly really not that much, research. In the days before the trip I kept telling myself I would put together my daily itineraries and then avoided it like the plague. It was overwhelming. Going this far and for this long by myself and not having an itinerary, terrifying! I need an itinerary. For crying out loud, I’m the type of person that organizes my grocery list by the order I will walk through the store. And then I arrived, and the weather was torrential, and I crashed a car, and I just wanted to go home. I was homesick before I ever even made it out of Auckland.

But this was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. That sense of balance and refresh that I so desperately needed? Found it. For the last week I haven’t worn makeup, shaved my legs (don’t worry, I will when I get back, and were it not for the burn would have a few days ago), done no more to my hair than throw it into a ponytail, braid(s) or bun without any product, tramped around dirty and smelly after long days of hiking in the humidity, and I pretty much loved every second of it. I also have not turned on a TV, read the news, or read social media (save for seeing a few posts when I posted my own every night but never spent more than 30 seconds on it). It’s fabulous. And I was amazed at what a poofy ponytail I’d end up with after a braid all day!

Spending a week this way, seeing how happy and nice folks here are, sharing joy with fellow travelers who are living on the simplest means possible (some traveling for a year or more) has really smacked me in the face with what a superficial culture I live in and how sucked into it I am. Yes, of course I’ve always known it but not really known it like this. I have been nothing but myself here, no pretense, no pretending, no compromising. And it’s eye-opening. I’ve driven long stretches and hiked long treks with mostly nothing but my own thoughts. Not once did I listen to a podcast, not once did I hike with anything other than my own thoughts, no music. And I’ve taken the time to reflect on myself, my life. I’ve started to take stock. I’ve gotten real with myself. What really makes me happy? What do I pretend makes me happy? What do I want more of? What do I want less of? I’ve come to some conclusions, but those are mostly for me to know, sorry. This magical country has seen into my soul, and even more importantly, it has helped me see into it as well. We get so swept away and caught up with our lives and with what should make us happy that we don’t acknowledge the truths much of the time (I shouldn’t say we, I can only speak for myself).

I started this blog as a way to force myself to journal this trip. And in doing so I’ve realized how much I loved and missed writing. Every night I laid in bed and wrote for at least an hour. Did I intend for it to be that way? No, I thought these posts would be much shorter, and honestly, probably much more superficial. As it is now, I am four hours into this fight and have spent almost the entire time writing (thank you little Bluetooth iPad keyboard for not dying on me!). One of the things that saddens me about this trip ending is not having anything to write about once I get home.

I have made friends on this trip. Some I’m sure I will occasionally keep in touch with (like Sophia the model from California), one I have experienced one of the most powerful moments of my life with and know I will keep in touch with and journey with again (Kyra, the paramedic and oil rig operator from Alaska), most I will never see or speak with again (like the orthodontist from Belgium, the chef from Australia, the student form Israel, the firefighter who spent the last 6 months working in Antarctica and was full on doing yoga in the airport). These people were all so kind and in each instance at least bits of our life stories were shared, and I thank them for being part of my memories.

And yes, I took a shitload of selfies on this trip. For one, my bestest friend of 25 years, Shelby, told me I damn better, and two, because I was doing this dammit! These selfies actually gave me pause for reflection too. I can look at my smile and know my authenticity. Did I take the picture because I thought I should? Or did I take it because I was excited and feeling thrilled and wanted to capture the moment? The smile on my face answer that question, there are the real ones and the forced ones. Some I even took at my worst, when I was tired, frustrated, upset, those too, are moments to capture and remember. For if we don’t remember those moments, they flee and we forget how strong we really are.